Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.

So Jesus has been bummed out all week.  I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!  He’s got  pre- and post-santum depression.

For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks.  But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!).  And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar.  So no matter where he looks, everything is a constant reminder of how old he is.  That’s got to be tough.  But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years.  How much advance warning do you need?

We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor old Dick is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown.  I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!

Fergie is hosting from Las Vegas.  I don’t know what it is but her face is weird.  Really weird.  Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what.  Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.”  Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer.  And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.

The horror show continues as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not be his wife (I say nurse. Jesus says older cousin.  Kirk just pukes.) made out geriatric style.  It is like watching two paramecium mate!

That really depressed Jesus.