Happy New Year, Charlie Brown

So this has got to be the saddest thing ever.  Kirk told us we HAD to see this cartoon called, “Peanuts”.  Jesus and I had never heard of it but we love “Family Guy” and “South Park” so we were both pretty psyched to see what Kirk called, “a holiday classic.”  BIG MISTAKE.  This thing was a total turd right from the get-go.

It’s about some loser named Charlie Brown who Jesus was pretty sure has that Benjamin Button disease, you know where you were born an old dude.  I mean the kid is bald and everything so I think Jesus might be right.  Anyway, nobody seemed to like this total dork, even his dog—and dogs set the bar pretty low when it comes to liking people: open a can, hold a leash.  That’s it.

Man was the pacing of this thing sloooooow.  Every time we were expecting someone to get thrown in a snow blower or get hit by a school bus or something…NOTHING happened.  Not even a fantasy sequence!  They didn’t even make fun of Jews or Mexicans either.  WTF, Charles Schulz!?!?

Anyway, that bald loser has to read “War and Peace” during his Christmas break but all he really wants to do is dance with this “little red-headed girl.”  Jesus said that the only way “that ‘tard could get a chick…would be in a rape van.”  Jesus really knows a thing or two about the world, I tell ya.

The poor bald kid learns how to dance anyway and Jesus and I made fun of the whole thing.  And then Kirk and I played like we were Lucy and Linus (he’s some nerdy music dork (gay much?) and she’s a straight-up nympho) but because Kirk can’t play the piano, he just bongo-es on Jesus’ wine jug.

But then it happened.  We were all making fun of that bald freak when the poor doofus learns that he missed the dance AND the little red-hair girl was there!!!  None of his friends liked him enough to call him or get him or anything!  He just fell asleep reading that shitty Tolstoy book.

In the end, he stands there with that stupid look on his face as he stares out the door and realizes that the rest of his life will be just like this…spent alone on New Year’s with a lame book in his hands that he’s just too bored to read.

It was like getting kicked in the balls and the stomach at the exact same time.  We all pretty much shut up after that.  And I don’t think any of us said another word the rest of the night.