Kirk the Robot…
Jesus Gets His Jew On!
Kirk says he’s a Jew but…well, I think it’s widely documented that most of what Kirk says is bullshit. After all, how can you be a Jew and not know what a Menorah is? Behold the Kirk-Jew!
This year Jesus decided to school Kirk on the ins and outs of Judaism. But Kirk is a slow pupil. So after four hours of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” as a primer, Kirk still wasn’t getting it. Worst Jew Ever.
Enter Sesame Street.
Kirk Planks!
Never one to hop on a trend until long after it’s peaked, Kirk decides to plank over a flushing toilet. Such an idiot…
Reruns of 30 Rock!
Nothing to say here but be thankful for the little things in life. Happy Holidays.
Kirk Tebows
There’s not a lot I can say (or want to say) about this picture. It pretty much ruined my Sunday. Kirk doesn’t even like football, unless you included Canadian football and who would do that? I don’t think Canadians even like Canadian football.
I thought Jesus was gonna hit the roof. He hates show-boating prayers. But he just laughed: “if I answered the prayers of every God-Squad athlete, I’d never get anything done. Those guys are pathetic: ‘Jesus, help me complete this pass’ ‘Jesus, help me work through my progressions’ ‘Jesus, please let her not be pregnant.’ And why would I care about the Broncos…ever!?! Everybody knows I hate John Elway!”
Kirk Rocks Out To Rebecca Black!
Kirk has always fancied himself a singer - ever since his days as the lead of the soft-rock group Sparkle E Motion (and yes, they sucked as bad as their name and believe it or not, NONE of them had ever seen or heard of Donnie Darko!)…Jesus and I always just plugged our ears when he started “vocally” reminiscing. But ever since he heard the song “Friday,” he hasn’t stopped singing. And when I say singing, I really mean the sound most people make when a microwave falls on their toe.
Look, Jesus and I aren’t anti-14-year-singers. We both admit that anyone has the right to belt out any turd song they want. But when your roommate plays the thing on a loop and says shit like, “chillin’ in the front seat.” Well, things have gone too far.
That’s when we decided to beat the crap tune out of him. And that’s just what we did.
We’re Alive!
We spent the day like anyone would after dodging an Apocalyptic bullet…by watching the worst TV possible. Luckily, that isn’t too hard to find. Nothing reaffirms your place on the planet like watching a commercial for “Aspray.” It’s the only deodorant on the market that claims to eliminate “Butt Odor.” Before it starts. Thank you, Jesus!
Right around 6:01 pm last night, with Kirk sobbing to his yet-to-be-born mommy, Jesus turned to us and said, “It’s God’s Will.” Then silence. Kirk, after crapping himself (he’s not great in a crisis—if he only knew about Aspray last night!), ran over to the window and saw our neighbor, Sister Catherine, watering her lawn. If she ain’t getting Raptured, nobody is! Judgement Day had come and gone. Huzzah!
Jesus wouldn’t tell us what happened. “No comment,” he kept saying, like he was Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer or something. That kind of pissed me off. You decide to not obliterate the whole human race…I think you should say a few words. But no. Nothing.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Whatever, Jesus.
Jesus Gets Fed Up With Our Bitching About The Rapture!
Look, I know Jesus has a lot on his plate. End of the world Judgements don’t come easy. I get that. But at the same time, I need to know if I should make a brunch reservation for tomorrow or will I just be roaming a charred landscape (yeah, I don’t believe in Jesus - living with someone for a number of years has a tendency to make them less than Godly. Trust me!)?
Jesus had been holed up in his Pray Cave all day. Of course, by the time I got to him, Kirk was already begging for his life. “Come on, Jesus, you can’t pull the plug on us now…I haven’t even been born yet!” Kirk was really blubbering too. Not his best look. But who am I to judge? I died more than a century ago.
So Kirk and I got in Jesus’ grill. Kirk wants to live (eventually) and I just want to know if I should do laundry tonight. I don’t think either us were asking too much. But Jesus flipped out. He looked to the Heavens (or the ceiling, depending on your beliefs) and yelled, “This is bullshit!” Then he stormed out of the room, slamming the door a bit too dramatically for my tastes. I think the pressure is really getting to the dude.
