Kirk and Jesus Do The Soul Train Line.
Ever since Kirk locked lips with Uhuru, he thinks he’s got a “ghetto pass.” “I am the white Rosa Parks when it comes to kissing black chicks on TV! No jive,” he bragged…without any sense of irony whatsoever (footnote: this classifies as my favorite thing Kirk has said. Ever.)
But really Kirk is such an idiot. I mean, I’m not sure what is worse: that he says the things he says, or that he believes them!
Anyway, for years Jesus and Kirk have been arguing about “who’s blacker.” It’s funny really but they both take it pretty seriously. Jesus maintains that his robes are the forerunners of the classic dashiki, whereas Kirk contends you can’t get “blacker” than his vest-only torso look. Some arguments can never won; and some are so dumb they should never be argued. This is the poster child for the latter.
In the end, they decided to settle it with a Soul Train Dance Off and ask me to declare a winner. As they both broke into their own versions of the robot, I walked out the door and went to the nearest bar.
Kirk and Jesus Take Ecstasy!
I think it was three in the morning when they woke me. Believe it or not, they were grooving to Creed! CREED! They had “Higher” on a loop. It was a nightmare. I mean, who takes E and then listens to that crapfest? My stupid roommates, that’s who. Look, who am I to judge what you do when you’re wasted? But when you listen to crap, there is the collateral damage to consider. Crank Creed and innocents could get hurt! Like I’ve said so many times before, Kirk and Jesus make a lot of bad choices.
Iron Maiden: Flight 666.
Now I will be the first to admit that heavy metal is not my first choice. But Jesus has been trying to get me “to go Maiden” for years. And for years I’ve resisted. Kirk on the other hand was an easy convert: “You had me at ‘Maiden.’”
But after watching Flight 666, I certainly was impressed. Those boys really know how to put on a show.
Jesus maintains he’s been a convert since the World Slavery Tour in ‘85 and has never looked back. “They shred!” Whatever Jesus!
Half way through the movie, Bruce Dickinson is playing in front of this huge crowd and I mean HUGE. Jesus blurts out, “I miss performing.” I almost laughed but Kirk got pissed. He got all up in Jesus’ grill, “no way could you pull in those kinda crowds!” It got tense I tell ya. But then “Run to the Hills” kicked in and Kirk and Jesus just started rocking. The power of metal…impressive.
Kirk Sails Into The Sunset…Alone!
Kirk knew his time with Tuba was limited. She was hotter than him, younger than him, and taller than him…by a good foot. But he does have something to remember her by…he stole her boots! Kirk, no matter the country, such an asshole!
We See Jesus in the Shower!
Okay, so it’s not Jesus. It’s Kenny Powers, aka Danny McBride. But we still think the resemblance is striking: same mullet, same bikini-thong tan, and same tendency to sob in the shower. Weird, right?! What’s up Jesus’ twin?
Kirk Can’t Handle His “Sex Paradise.”
Okay…so Kirk is digging on his milk ad co-star Tuba Buyustan (yes her name is Tuba!). But because she’s hot and foreign and Kirk is a huge pussy, he was very, very nervous. So he went to the spice market and got himself hopped on Turkish Viagra and anything claiming to be close to Viagra. An hour before his “date” (he told Tuba he wanted to run lines—even though he had no lines. Kirk, such an idiot!), he passed out…and then puked. Apparently, the genius is allergic to pistachio…and sanity.
Kirk Does a Milk Commercial…In Turkey!
Who knew Kirk was huge in Turkey? Who knew he was huge anywhere? But they love him here. They call him, “Captain, Captain.”
We spent a week sailing the Mediterranean and shooting this very weird commercial. From what I can tell, Kirk is this creepy stalker dude (nice casting) and the only thing that can protect this bathing beauty is milk. Got Perv?
Anyway, Kirk had a blast being the center of attention and we had fun piggybacking on his trip.
On the way home, Jesus wants Kirk to strap some hashish to his waist and play “midnight express”. Kirk didn’t get it…of course.
We Help Kirk With His Match.com Profile
So it has come to this. Kirk—kinda clean, kinda sober—has decided it is time for him to take a mate. Last time he was “out there,” he had a TV show. Things were easy. “I was knee-deep in poon, I tell you.” Ah Kirk, always one detail too many. That’s why Jesus and I knew we’d have to help him out. If it were up to Kirk, his profile would read, “Penis looking for vagina for dating and/or friendship.” Kirk: crude and ineffective.
So if any of you ladies or cruising Match.com, look for datebot2000 and give ol’ Kirk a wink! But be warned: if you notice, he likes his ladies a tad on the old side.
MTV Movie Awards.
Kirk does his best Les Grossman. It was awesome to watch him move, I almost forgot what a great dancer he is. Of course, Kirk wouldn’t be Kirk without saying something really stupid. Right after the performance, Kirk, still panting and out of breath, said, “Wow, for a second there, I felt like I was inside Tom Cruise.”
Ew!
