Jesus, Kirk and Vinny turned 4 today!
I ride Kirk like a TaunTaun
It’s a rainy Saturday. We’re sitting around watching TV. What else are we gonna do? Empire comes on and of course Kirk hates it because he’s a fucking moron (he’s a Phantom Menace fan. EXACTLY! Binks and baby Darth are two of Kirk’s favorite characters ever. ANOTHER EXACTLY!). But Jesus and I don’t play that. We like our movies good and our Binks dead. Anyway, so Kirk starts to bitch and moan cuz he doesn’t want to watch it so Jesus and I do what good roommates are supposed to do: We wrestled Kirk to the ground and then rode him like an animal for the rest of the afternoon.
Turned out to be a pretty nice Saturday.
Wheat Thins: The World’s Saddest Commercial.
The commercial goes like this:
John is a puppet (yeah, they named the puppet!) and he’s in an insane asylum. He’s locked up. And he’s a puppet. His two doctors (that’s how nuts he is: he’s got TWO doctors) are explaining to him that he’s a puppet and as a puppet he can’t eat Wheat Thins. John’s just staring out the window as they are talking, like he’s an extra in Cuckoo’s Nest or something with this blank puppet expression. Then John screams out and rushes to his pillow where underneath he’s hidden a full box of Wheat Thins! See, cuz John loves Wheat Thins. And he dumps the box into his mouth but he can’t swallow anything because he’s a fucking puppet. One Wheat Thin actually lands on his puppet tongue but John can’t do anything about it. The cracker just falls to the ground. John then screams out in Wheat Thins-less agony, his puppet arms raised up to the sky pleading to the Gods above to end his horrible existence. But we all know that his prayers will never be answered. He will never have a Wheat Thin and he will never die…because John is a puppet.
Kirk just crumpled to floor. “Don’t you see,” he sobbed. “We are all John.”
Sometimes what we love the most, hurts us the most. Boy, did TV ever do a number on us today.
Jesus Celebrates Easter…Easy Rider Style
You can’t really blame the guy.
After a few too many “Wishing you an Awesome Good Friday” texts, Jesus got up off the couch, grabbed his keys and said, “I’m outta here.” He left without saying another word.
Kirk muttered something about “Jesus ruining every Easter.” I stared at him long and hard. Kirk doesn’t like people staring at him, especially if he says something stupid, which is always. After a few minutes of pretending to read People, he threw down the magazine and said, “what?” Then he blinked a lot.
I just got up and left Kirk alone with his eight or nine thoughts.
Happy, Happy Shatner…
Every year it’s the same old story: Shatner gets older and Kirk gets madder.
This morning, Jesus made Kirk his favorite breakfast (eggs in the hole) but the man never came out of his room. Total dick move if you ask me. I don’t know what Kirk’s problem is…he’s only negative 220 years old today. It’s enough to make me want to stiff him on his present. And punch him in his fat face.
Kirk ruins everything, including his own birthday.
Worst. Cameo. Ever.
Well, at least that’s what Kirk yelled out as he starred incredulously at the screen as Shatner posed as an aging future Kirk comeback to the present day Oscars. “That’s not me!!!” And it’s true. He never left our side.
Jesus thought it was a pretty good trick…to rise again and yet somehow rise from the future without ever having died. “That’s kind of a mind fuck,” Jesus kept saying as Kirk just shook his head and sobbed.
So mark down Kirk as the evening’s biggest loser. Again.
Kirk is not a fan of Girls (the TV show, not the gender, he reminds me - “I love the ladies.” Then he arches his eyebrows a few times as if he’s just said some pretty deep shit.). It has nothing to do with morality either. Kirk’s morals are paper thin. It’s the nudity. And not any nudity. “Fat chick nudity.” So every time we watch it, he turns away whenever Lena gets naked and says, “ew.”
Jesus loves the show. “I like ‘em round,” Jesus says as he grabs the remote and replays a nude Lena again and again. “They work harder.” Kirk makes a gagging sound. Jesus continues, “It’s like a chick with a big nose, sex for them is like a proving ground.” More Kirk gagging. “If you are ever lucky enough to get with a big girl WITH a big nose…that sex will melt your face off.”
No one said anything for a while. Then Jesus got up and got a beer.
Louie is about to Strap on the Feed Bag.
Kirk surprised me today. And it’s not because he walked out of the bathroom with a hard-on (his “phaser set to ‘stun’” in Kirk-speak) again this morning. Apparently, he gets turned on by watching himself shave. Ew.
Anywho, Kirk surprised me by pronouncing, “Louis C.K. is a genius.” I don’t disagree. And neither does Jesus. In fact, Jesus has been saying for a year now that nobody captures the shit-show of being a middle-aged single dude better than “Louie.” True that.
But how the hell does Kirk figure that out? He still watches his VHS collection of “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place,” RIP, Ernie B.!
Turns out even a moron like Kirk can appreciate the Ionesco-quality absurdity (theater, nerd!) of Louie getting his head smashed into a car window…just to make him go down on a chick. Jesus went on, “that’s what the dating world is like for guys like me and Louie…a chick chows your nob and then she beats the hell out of you for some pay back, muff-muzzling you while you’re dazed and bleeding! And that’s a good date!”